Tomorrow is an important day for me as I will be lobbying my senators and representative to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. This might not seem like a big deal; perhaps it isn’t on your radar, as I know we all have so much going on in our daily lives. However, I just want to share why I find it so important for me to join over 300 veterans from 40 states to visit Capitol Hill and to discuss why I feel it is necessary.
Fourteen years ago, I came to realize that I was a bit different than the rest of my friends and classmates. Granted, I’m a little weird to begin with, but I discovered I was more than just a teenager dealing with the common teenager things, writing teen-angst poetry, and wearing a lot of black. I realized that I didn’t like the guys in the same way that my female friends did and when I came to that realization, it was less of an epiphany and more of an “Oh Shit” moment. No one else that I knew was gay. In fact, many classmates and some of my friends spoke about gays in a derogatory way. I didn’t really fit in to begin with and adding this to the mix made it an even worse cocktail for me. So, I decided that I would keep it to myself and carry on with talking about those boys who everyone else thought was cute, pursue dates to dances, and even date from time to time, just trying to go with the flow. Eventually, I had to tell someone about it and instead of turning to a parent or my sister, for fear that they would hate me, as well as friends who might ditch me; I made an appointment with my school counselor. I had no idea how she would take it, but had hoped that she wouldn’t throw me out of her office. The relief I had when I uttered those words for the first time was tremendous. Eventually, I told a handful of friends who took it pretty well and I swore them to secrecy, as there was other friends who made it clear that they didn’t like the gays. Eventually I told my mom, who didn’t scream at me, but didn’t accept it right away. My date to my senior prom was my best friend and although we didn’t see stars, we did see a lot of bad dancing on the dance floor.
When I decided to join the Navy, I did it for many reasons. I chose the military route after high school because I was not prepared for college, I needed to get out of Missouri, and I wanted to be the third generation in my family to serve my country. I had figured that since I kept my secret for two year in high school, I could handle it for four more years. After all, what’s four years, right?
I did make a deal with my best friend that if need be, he would write the occasional letter to me posing as my boyfriend. I also gave him my sea monkeys to take care after. I don’t think they lived beyond a couple weeks with him.
In September of 1998, I said good-bye to my life as a teenager and entered boot camp. I learned very quickly to not always speak my mind, and got along with my fellow shipmates (that’s what we’re called in the Navy) by turning into the resident comedienne. I never looked at anyone with eyes of lust or romance. Instead, I was just trying to make it through boot camp and into the next phase, which was training for my actual job. In November, I shipped off to Florida for six months of winter and training for my rate (Navy’s version of job title) and followed that up with the “bonus” of being stuck in the middle of nowhere in Arizona before eventually finding my way to Maryland for my permanent duty.
I came into the military as a pretty trusting person and after I got to know friends who seemed pretty liberal, I did share my secret, while still dating the occasional guy to maintain the appearance that I was like everyone else. I learned very quickly that trust can not be given, but must be earned when rumors started to spread due to the fact that I wasn’t seen with too many guys and those who knew about me weren’t very discrete about my lifestyle. Yet, there were a few folks who protected me, who took an interest in helping me explore what this lifestyle meant by taking me to clubs to check out the “gay scene.” My first real moment of being terrified of being kicked out happened when a friend at the time told me that a higher up, in charge of the department I worked in had found out I was gay through a connection he had at a bar that I had visited. I decided that the only thing to do was to go talk to him and “face the music”. The conversation when something along the lines of, “I know that you know.”
“What do you mean?” he said.
“I know that you know something about me that I cannot tell you and you cannot ask me.”
He then closed the door and we talked about it openly. He didn’t turn me in. In fact, he was one of the few folks that had my back and defended me during the rest of my enlistment. Still, rumors came about that had to be squashed, and there were a couple times where I had to do what I did to make sure to stop the rumors from flying around the barracks. The day I was allowed to move off-post was one of the happiest days of my enlistment because I no longer lived under a magnifying glass for my busybody shipmates to dissect.
I never looked at or ever considered hitting on anyone in the military, just as I have never considered or tried hitting on any of my straight female friends, or any of my coworkers. I did visit clubs that catered to my lifestyle, and was set up on some horrible dates that did have me question the strength of some of my friendships, but I never would have considered ever approaching anyone in uniform. I did my best to have my professional, sailor side and attempted to now allow my personal life to come near that. I did, like other gays who I did learn of, look over my shoulder any time I entered a gay bar or club or even went on a date. I was never able to really hold hands in public, even miles away from my base due to the fear of someone taking notice and turning me in. Life in the military isn’t a total cakewalk to begin with, but imagine what it’s like having to second-guess every step you take in your personal life. I always worried with every breakup that my exes would call my command and report me. Needless to say, I tried to cause the other person to break up with me to prevent that. Sometimes I did wonder since there are a few really crazy folks out there.
There were some incidents where I worried if those who I had thought were friends would also turn me in, but I dodged that bullet. Unfortunately, one friend of mine, who was great at her job, was blackmailed into turning herself in. She was discharged immediately. The Navy really missed out on that one.
Eventually, my four years came to a close and I decided that I could not longer worry about my personal life affecting my livelihood, so I separated from the Navy. I also told my dad about my sexuality after I got out, knowing that he could not call it in and have me kicked out.
I was very fortunate to land a great job, where I no longer had to work a second job (which many lower-enlisted people do since the pay isn’t that great), and was able to eventually buy my own house. The most important part about separating from the Navy was that I could visit clubs and bars, go out on dates, hold hands with whomever I was dating and not have to worry about being canned because of it. Does this mean that I shaved my head and filled my cubical with rainbow flags? No. Did I start checking out my female coworkers? Hell no. To this day I keep my private life separate from my professional life. Only two friends of mine at work even know that I bat for the other team. However, all of my friends know that I’m a lesbian. If they didn’t, we wouldn’t be friends. I live in the suburbs with members of the middle class. I hand out candy for Halloween, and am friendly with my neighbors, who know that I’m gay and accept me for me. Have I hit on any of them? Nope. I don’t think of my life as living a gay life. I wake up in the morning, much like you, go to work, like most of you, work on my college, like some of you, get together with friends from time to time just like you, and live my life, for the most part, just like you. The only real difference is that my dream of who I want to spend my life with is not with a guy… or a hairy woman for that matter. (I do have standards.)
I am a contributing member of society who pays my taxes and just wants the same rights that everyone else has. I never have and never will seek out special treatment.
There are thousands of members of the military who aren’t as fortunate as I was to have “blended in” and tried to stay under the radar. People can be very cruel and can be very ignorant. Many members of the military working in critical fields, such as Arabic linguists are thrown out because someone found out about their sexuality. Unlike me, many of these people have and continue to be forced out of the work they love because of who they love.
Frankly, I’m very uncomfortable working with assholes, but they aren’t kicked out of the military simply because they are assholes. The idea behind repealing DADT is not so every gay person can rush out of the closet and start hitting on their fellow soldiers and sailors. The purpose is to allow everyone who wants to join the voluntary service the opportunity to do so without having to live a lie. If unwanted advances are made to those of the same sex, it would be considered sexual harassment, much like the many unwanted advancements that are made from the opposite sex today. I know that due to religious beliefs of some, there is the feeling that being gay is a sin. Well, if you are one of those folks who believe that, I disagree, but will respect your belief. However, you should let God judge that, as none of us are perfect and we really shouldn’t judge those who are different to begin with.
Once upon a time, blacks had to serve in segregated companies and divisions from whites. However the military has been desegregated since 1948. We need to take the final step to allow all those who have the desire to serve their country without any discrimination, without having to ask thousands of Americans to lie or to deny who they are in order to do so. To me, it’s only the right thing to do.
I ask you to please take a few moments to call or write your Representative and Senators and ask them to please repeal DADT. Please do it for those who want and who continue to put their lives on the line so that you can enjoy your life as an American.
To find and contact your Senators, please click on the link below: http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm
For information on your Representative, please visit this link:
On the left-hand side of the page, enter in your zip to find contact information for your representative.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and I do hope that you will take action and support a cause that I so deeply believe in.
Filed under: political morsel Tagged: | Repeal of DADT
Long story short: good for you! I totally support you, and I think it’s outrageous that anyone serving their country should have to look over their shoulder or be afraid that anyone would find out who they are.
I’m with you 100% on this one. As a 16 year Navy veteran, I’m sure that I have worked with 100s of gay Sailors. Some of them were my friends and I knew, others I never knew about because, you are so right people don’t bring their personal lives to work. We are a professional military force however I know that the general public thinks that all we do is screw each other. It is apparent as the submarine wives crow because there are going to be females on subs, it is the same drama we had in the early 90s when women moved onto combatants. I just don’t understand why Americans think that those very people protecting their freedoms have nothing better to do at work than screw each other. We are just trying to do our jobs, all of us, straight, gay, male, female. We are serving our country and it would be nice if our countrymen, whose freedoms we are busy protecting, would give us the courtesy of recognizing the job we do instead of imagining that we are governed by our sex lives.